Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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