Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
