Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
