she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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