Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
