I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
