Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You pole danced in your parka.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
