I skipped work to stalk him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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