Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
