ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
