Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
