my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
