you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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