Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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