...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
