This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
