You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
