Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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