How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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