My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
