first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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