when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
