You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's always time for handjobs
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
