He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
