i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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