i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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