I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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