I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
