I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
