This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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