If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
