A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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