Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
