So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
