I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
