I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
