Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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