Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
