I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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