When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
