Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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