why didn't you poke me back
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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