So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
