The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
