Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
