I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize