Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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