a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
