guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
