Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
