i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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