Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
