I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
