So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My life is pants optional.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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