so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize