That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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